The Basic Plot In the Form of a Haiku:
                                                                        You will never hear
                                                                        Stanley Kubrick say "Y'know,
                                                                        that one take was fine!"
 

My Basic Ramblings: I'd never seen a Stanley Kubrick movie in the theater; I was 13 when Full Metal Jacket was released.  But, like any good little motorscooter of a film buff, I was determined to see his final film in the theater, on a big huge screen.  So Mom and I went on Sunday.

As I have said many times before, whenever I go to the movies at a theater, I always manage to sit  behind or in front of The Talkers.  They feel the need to provide a running commentary to the film.  Well, at the screening I went to I would've begged to be sitting near The Talkers, as opposed to what we got - The Guy With The Phlegm-Raising Cough To Whom The Concept Of A Coughing Into A Handkerchief So As To Muffle The Sound Was Foreign.  It was upsettingly distracting - the big dramatic scenes in the movie sounded like this:

PING.  PING.  PING. PING. (AUHARGHAGHRGHHGHUHGRGUH).  PING.  PING.

Is it too much to ask to be able to watch a movie in silence? (Also - when Thomas Gibson appeared on the screen [as the dead guy's daughter's boyfriend], the women behind me erupted into "It's Greg!  It's Greg!"  Big deal.)

Anyway, this movie takes place at Christmas, in case you hadn't guessed by the plethora of Christmas trees in people's homes and offices.  Apparently the people populating KubrickWorld do not care about the possibility of fire - they leave their tree lights on 24/7.  The prostitute's apartment, the doctor's office, the swankitude of Tom 'n Nicole's apartment - all that much closer to going up in flames because the lights are left unattended.  (You can also tell it's Christmas because there are people walking around with wrapped boxes.  Even though the streets themselves are completely void of decoration.)

PING.  PING.  PING.

How did Tom know that his costume to go to the party should involve a tux, a cloak (with a hood) and a mask?  All the jazz pianist said was "a costume with a mask."  It would've been amusing had he shown up wearing a clown costume and a Cartman mask or something....

It would also have been amusing if the party was just a group of people gathering to play Charades.  Maybe there'd be some chips and dip.

What did Leelee Sobieski whisper to Tom Cruise as she walked past?  Probably something like "This is the 234th @#((&@# time we've done this scene!  What does he want?!  Sheesh!"


What is it with them (whomever "them" are) changing the lines of movies for the commercials?  In some of the spots for this movie, Nicole Kidman says, very threateningly, "if you only knew..."  Yet in the actual movie, the line is "if you men only knew..."  Then there's the scene in An Ideal Husband  where in the commercial Rupert Everett says "marry me" to the bust, and it's screamingly obvious that's not what he's actually saying! (My suspicions were confirmed when I saw that scene in a clip on Conan O'Brien.)  Why do they do that?

Did anyone else think the black and white shots of Nicole and the navy guy were totally gratuitous?  Hm.  "Tom was perfectly fine until Nicole started talking about wanting to boink the navy guy, and now he's all upset.  I wonder if he's upset because of the navy guy.  I wish they'd show us some black-and-white shots of Nicole boinking the navy guy, that would confirm it for me."

I read that Kubrick initially intended to use Kim Bassinger and Alec Baldwin in this movie (since he wanted to use a real-life married couple).  How about Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft?  Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche?  Roseanne and Tom Arnold (okay, I know they're not married anymore, but just imagine it)?

PING.  PING.  PING.

I havenít seen all of Kubrickís movies.  Iíve seen Lolita, 2001, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining and Full Metal Jacket.  I saw Dr. Strangelove in high school but slept through most of it.  Iíd have to rank this one rather low, unfortunately.