Elizabeth

The Basic Plot in The Form of a Haiku:

It was a weekend of new movies, my friends. Saw this and A Bug's Life, which I think is some sort of record for me. Mom and Erin and I traversed over yonder hill and dale to the theater in the afternoon of the day after Thanksgiving.

Rule #1: Don't go anywhere near a shopping mall the day after Thanksgiving.

Rule #2: Don't go to the movies the day after Thanksgiving, especially when The Rugrats Movie is starting at the same time as the movie you want to see.

So the place is packed with little.....rugrats, and we stand patiently in line to buy our tickets. It doesn't occur to us until almost too late that we can read the cash register display and see what other movies people are seeing. Most kids were going to see Rugrats, most adults were going to see The Waterboy.

Rule #3: Do not laugh at the people going to see The Waterboy.

So we go into this dinky little theater in the corner of the multiplex, one that seats about thirty.

Rule #4: You will not get stadium seating for an art flick.

There were only two previews. I forget the first one, but the second was for a movie called Arlington Road and it looks sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. Tim Robbins as a guy who may or may not be a terrorist bomber? Sign me up for that one, baby.

Then the movie began.

Rule #5: Protestants good, Catholics bad.

Let's look at the facts as they are presented by this movie, okay? Catholics burn people at the stake, their Queen (Mary Tudor) is ugly and has bad teeth. They wear grey and black. Protestants dance in sundrenched fields, their Queen (Elizabeth I) is beautiful, with decent teeth and fabulous fingernails. They wear bright colors and beautiful patterns.

Which would you rather be?

I could dig being a queen. Queen Whitney I. I'd have the bitchinest clothes, I'd have bunches of ladies-in-waiting to dress me and tend to my every whim. People would bow to me at every turn. It'd be great. Of course, I'd actually have to run the country; that would suck. I don't think I could handle the task as well as Elizabeth did.

Everyone, it seems, wants her dead. The Pope issued a decree that pretty much declared Elizabeth Hunting Season open (though he did impose a strict "one monarch per day" limit). It's hard to believe that Catholics and Protestants considered themselves so different from each other that each accused the other of blasphemy. (Good thing that's not the case these days, or Protestant Dad wouldn't have married Catholic Mom and yours truly would not be here today.)

I'm trying to imagine what Elizabeth II would be like. "Feel the drama as Elizabeth II is coronated!" "Witness the excitement as she gives a ceremonial speech!" "Watch as she has Diana burned at the stake!" Well, maybe not the last one.

Cate "I Was In Oscar and Lucinda" Blanchett, she of the decent teeth and fabulous fingernails, is Elizabeth I.  Joseph "Ralph is My Big Brother" Finnes is her loverboy, Robert Dudley, Geoffrey "I Won An Oscar, Dammit" Rush is Sir Francis Walsingham, her Security guy. I only mention this because both Finnes and Rush are in Shakespeare in Love, a movie in which Dame Judi "You Americans Probably Know Me As The New 'M' In The Bond Movies" Dench plays Elizabeth I in her later years. Though the movies are entirely different, by different directors and probably filmed at wildly different times, it'd be cool if at one point in Shakespeare in Love, Judi looks at Joseph with a "Don't I know you from somewhere?" glance.

Speaking of Shakespeare in Love, it's a movie I might see were it not for two little words: Ben Affleck. Gack, gack, gack. I hate him.

As I left the theater, it struck me how similar in plot this movie is to The Godfather.  Young child of a powerful figure who has the mantle of absolute authority thrust upon him/her. This new leader falters a bit, swears that he/she will rule his/her territory/kingdom in a pure mannter but emerges powerful after a complete slaughter of his/her enemies. The movie ends with a scene of our main character, virtually unrecognizable from when we first saw him/her.  (I've only seen one other movie review, in Entertainment Weekly, that considers the Elizabeth/Godfather parallel.)

And just remember, kids, cut your hair and you can be a virgin again!

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