Alien: Resurrection

The Basic Plot in Five Words or Less: Aliens, slime and more slime.

Alternate Tag Line: In space, no one can hear you make a cheesy sequel.

My Basic Ramblings:  Allow me to dissect how the budget of this movie was spent:

I have to admit I have not seen any of the other three movies in this series, but I know most of the facts - Ridley Scott's Alien was a classic "haunted house in space" film, James Cameron's Aliens was a blast-em-up, shoot-em-up fest-o-rama (Wouldn't Titanic have been better if Leonardo DiCaprio had an alien burst out of his chest?), and David Fincher's Alien3 (or was it Aliens3?) just plain sucked. The general consensus of Alien: Resurrection was that it wasn't that great as well.

Why, oh why, oh why are they breeding the frickin' aliens? I mean, sure they might be able to provide vaccines, and they're good to study and the like, but c'mon! The last three times these guys have shown up, bad things have happened! People've died and stuff!  (Of course, if it turns out that the aliens are, for example, made of Viagra, you can bet all the middle-aged scientist on the Auriga are going to do their damndest to examine the creatures to their fullest.)

Do you suppose animal rights activists would want to protect the rights of these aliens, even if they do enjoy laying eggs in people's chests and exploding said people all over the place?

Then there's the scene where Brad Dourif (formerly known as Billy Bibbit from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, the voice of Chucky from all those Child's Play movies, and that one episode of the X-Files) is teaching the aliens that bumping their heads against the Plexiglass is bad, which he accomplishes by filling the chamber with some quick-freezing gas.  I don't know about you, but if some extra-terrestrial thing with two heads and a bunch of goo oozing from every surface and acid for blood started smacking its head against the thin piece of plexiglass that separated it from me, I would be found somewhere in the neighboring state the next morning.

Then there's the scene with Dan Hedaya and his hairy, hairy shoulders. (Shudder)

Sigourney Weaver is in this film, of course, it's her franchise. But she's not the same Ellen Ripley as before, no, she's Ellen #8, the first successful clone after a bunch of failures (seven, to be exact). I don't know if there's any connection, but I looked at my right arm yesterday and noticed the freckles seem to spell out the number "234". So if anyone sees one of the 233 failed clones of me wandering around, please let me know. (How can you tell if it's a clone?  Well, if it liked Titanic, that's a good start...)

Poor Ellen #7.  You're hideously deformed (I mean hideously), all you can do is pray for death, it doesn't come, you long for the sweet release that death will bring, it'll stop the pain.  Finally, salvation comes - it's Ellen #8.  Croaking with your hideously deformed vocal chords, you are able to force out the words "Kill me." Again, you beseech her, "Kill me." And you close your eyes, waiting for the sweet embrace of sleep, and eternal rest, freedom from the agony in which you live.

And then she sets you on fire.

Winona Ryder....sigh. She's Gwyneth Paltrow's best friend now. She's dating Matt Damon or some such Young Hollywood Dreck now. Remember back in Heathers, when she was cool?

This movie was directed by the same guy who did City of Lost Children.  I started watching that movie one night - my husband's at-the-time housemate had taped it off a laser disc he'd rented. Unfortunately, the rocket scientist didn't tape the second side of the disc, so I only saw the first half. That's a weird movie, lemme tell ya.

My last comment is about the end of the movie, where the Queen Alien Thingy gives birth to the Vaguely Human-Looking Alien Thingy and it goes and licks Sigourney, and Brad Dourif (who's sort of half-alive, suspended in more alien goo) says "oh, it recognizes its mother." Since the Queen Alien Thingy was pulled out of Sigourney in the opening scene, and subsequently Queen Alien Thingy gives birth to Vaguely Human-Looking Alien Thingy, wouldn't Sigourney be its grandmother?

That said, having blood that can eat through glass would be cool.

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